He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
