Got a toothbrush?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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