at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
