y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
