I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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