i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
