The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
