We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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