i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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