You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
