My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need water and some morals
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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