Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
