When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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