my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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