I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
