Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize