she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
