He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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