I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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