I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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