i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Damn victory sex feels great
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