His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found puke in my bra..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
