I just pynch a tree in the face
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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