3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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