You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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