Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
