did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
