I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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