I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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