Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
