Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
