I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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