I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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