dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
