It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize