About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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