My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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