i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
