I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
