**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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