well I can't set my house on fire every night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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