I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
