At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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