We won't sleep together?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
