Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
