He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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