woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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