Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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