my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
