dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
