There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
