paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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