You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
