Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
