I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
