If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
