dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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