Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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