Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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