Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
