Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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