A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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