Soap is not a condiment
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
