I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
